Don’t try to teach the pope how to make the sign of the cross

I’ve written 59 posts so far in this blog out of which 25 are labeled ‘character assassination’. Now you might think why I’m such a callous and merciless Mephistopheles in flesh and blood when it comes to mocking my friends and pulling their legs. But I was molded like this by my very own friends; and believe me, I’ve been at the receiving end more times than you can ever imagine. So you see, I’m a product of my circumstances; thanks to school and college buddies; been a victim of innumerous pranks and mockery over the years; and pretty much seasoned by now. Now why I told you all these is coz I received an sms last night. It said, 

“Hi Thomas. How are you? I don’t know how to say this to you in person, hence this message. I really like you. It’s been a while since I’ve been noticing you and I’ve a feeling that you’re the perfect guy for me.”

Don’t ask me why but this message doesn’t look girlish, not by a long shot. 

The following exchange of sms ensued:

(Hum is me and Tum is the person at the other end)

Hum: April fool was yesterday. You missed the date buddy. Well who’s this? 

Tum: Today is April 2nd and this is real ok. I’m a secret admirer. Had to sweat out a lot to get your mobile number.  

Hum: Interesting.

Tum: I saw you yesterday waiting at the bus stop. The white shirt with black stripes really suits you. I liked that.

Hum: Oh really. What else do you like?

Tum: I like your smile. 

Hum: That’s funny.

Tum: Funny man, you want to meet me? 

Hum: You think I’m that desperate and lonely to meet people? Nice. 

Tum: If you don’t want, ok then.

Hum: Ok, have a nice day.

Tum: It seems you’re not as nice as I thought you were.

Hum: Well, appearances can be deceptive. 

Tum: It was my mistake to even think about contacting you. Anyway thanks for the warm response. Bye. 

Hum: No mention please. BuBye.

*End of conversation*

Now I called Navy to check whether he knows anyone with this mobile number.

“Any idea whose number this is?”

“Let me check my contacts”

“Make it fast”

“Man where did you get this number from? This is a girl named Riya. She is in my class at TIME. Stays near your house I suppose”

(Impossible! Considering that the dude is an incorrigible liar when it comes to girl issues, I can never take his words at face value.) 

“Hmm ok”

“Why?”

“Nothing, see you tomorrow. Bye”

“Ok bye”

After a while I just casually browsed my call-log in mobile to see if I received any call from this number. Down down down………..Bingo!

March 28th, 11:50 AM……….The same number. Now where was I on that hot sweltering Saturday noon? Bank! Yes, bank. And who called me at that time? Who? Who called me asking whether I’m coming for movie that evening? Who changed his SIM 2 weeks back? Who hasn’t shaved in 3 weeks?  

One name – Abhi! One and only Abhi! 

Well well well. All the equations are solved and the values to the variables are found. Trying to be the bloody prankmaster huh. Playing with me? Well you think a guy can come like   *snap*   that trying to fool me and walk away unharmed? No, there are consequences to be faced. There’s blood to be shed. 

Next day, I publicized all the messages that he sent me. Bang! Abhi got showered with a plethora of nicknames on a single day. Some samples:

1. Brokeback Kuttappan
2. Homo kallan 
3. Daffodils (If anyone ‘members the lines of the poem ‘The Daffodils’ -- “A poet could not but be ‘gay’, in such a jocund company”)

Now whenever we pass by Abhi, we say,

“Don’t look at us like that. We’re not that type. Beat it”

And as for Navy who conspired in this failed scheme (Navy and Abhi stays in the same rented house; that explains his involvement), it seems he still hasn’t learned his lesson from this. But take heart, I’m there naa, lessons will be taught. Soon. Very soon. (What can I do if people don’t allow me to be a good boy)

So buddies, behave nice with me.