Oru Vattam Koodi............

After penning down some school anecdotes some time back, I felt a few of the incidents escaped my memory, and I felt I haven't done justice to my college days which was rife with amusing incidents. Hence this post, where I've compiled a few missed out school anecdotes, lots and lots of college anecdotes and some post-college anecdotes. I had considered some flowery words and purple prose as an introduction to this post, but that seemed a bit corny and out of place. So I'll straight away blast into the past (I'm a little dubious about how a person reading this will feel, coz sometimes the effect of the joke fades away when it's transcribed into a paper. However, irrespective of that, I've squeezed everything that I could get hold of into this space. Also, some of the incidents are not first person accounts of mine but written so for ease of narration; they were passed on from friends to friends and I just did the job of compiling it)

Caution: Pretty long post 

School 

There was this Chemistry Sir in school, he would take us to the lab and say, “Today I’ll show you an unidentified compound, you should identify it”, and then turns to the lab assistant and say, “aaa Madhu, aa sodium sulphate solution ingedukkoo”.

During Aleykutty Madam’s class, Pimply stands up to answer a question. Cherian places a pen on the bench…….so when Pimply sat down, pen pierces his pants……..pimply twists and turns and becomes restless.......and searches whether his pant is torn in the back.
Aleykutty Madam: abhey pimply, why are you dancing?
Pimply’s reply made an uproarious laughter in class – “madam, searching for my hole”.

There was this Sir who taught us in the 7th std, once he gave us an assignment and told how and when to submit it, and then says, “There is no ampi kutty in it”. Everyone scratches their head…….only later we realized he meant ‘ambiguity’.

Rohit had this habit of randomly dialing some numbers and say, “Hello mein Amitabh Bachan bol raha hu Kaun Banega Crorepathi se”. The usual response from the other end -- “Haam ji, boliyeji”.

College 

At 3. AM on a university exam day, Sonu's mobile phone rings........Sonu irritatedly wakes up from his sleep and answers the phone........It was Nambi at the other end........asks, "hello Sonu alleda", to which Sonu drearily replies in the positive.......Nambi -- "Ok sheri", and hangs up the phone......leaving Sonu dumbfounded.

During lunch break, Chattu goes to KP’s house with hopes of watching ‘Jodha Akbar’ on his computer. A reluctant KP, who wants to reach the noon class on time, finally agrees to show him the movie. KP fast forwards the film, explains to Chattu, “aadyam oru war onde, kando…….ennitte hero veluthakum…….oru pennine ishtapedum……kalyanam kazhikkum…..daa ivide oru paattu onde………pinne avan avale samshayikkum……aval veetil pookum……oru paattu ivideyum onde…….pinne hero yudham cheyyum villainum aayittu………pinne villainum aayittu oru fight……hero jayikkum………film theernu…….okay, vaa thirichu college-il pokam.
Chattu: blink blink

Nambi's secret ambition was to be a script writer................he writes short stories and keeps in his cupboard............Once when Prasanna visits Nambi's house, he gets hold of one of Nambi's stories titled "Kattappana Kuttappan". Prasanna brings it to college and publicizes it...........much to the embarrasment of Nambi............I don't remember much of the story, but its first sentence goes like this, "Vettathile kallan gopalakrishnan aanenkil, meesha madhavanile kallan madhavan aanenkil, kattapanayile kallan aanu kuttappan, kattappana kuttappan". We mock Nambi saying  it's the kind of story that kindergarten kids like to which Nambi says he wrote the story when he was a child, for a school play during youth festival...............only that the 1st sentence of the story which says about the films 'Vettam' and 'Meesha Madavan' were released only a couple of years back.

KP has this unique way of introducing himself to others -- "ente pere Nithin Prasanth KP.  Chilar Nithin ennu vilikkumenkilum koottukar enne KP ennanu vilikkunnathu, pakshe veettukar Prashanth ennu vilikkum, enkilum KP ennu paranjal ellavarkum ariyam, athu konde ningalke enne Nithin enno Prashanth enno KP enno vilikkam." Person at the other end will never ever forget the name and will chant it like a parrot if woken up from sleep at midnight.

KP says to Vipin that he'll come to Vipin's house to collect notes in a while. After sometime, Vipin hears about an accident near his house involving a red honda unicorn. Vipin gets tensed as KP has a red unicorn and frantically tries to call KP's mobile............but KP's phone is not being picked up............Vipin gets immensely nervous.........tries calling several times........at last KP picks up the phone.
Vipin: ninakke kozhappam onnumillallo?
KP: illa, entha karyam?
Vipin: ente veedine aduthe oru red unicorn accident-il pettu. Nee aano enne enikkoru doubt ondaarunnu.
KP: oh, athu chelappam njaan aayirikkilleda.

Pinne there is Snandi’s kallatharangals. Assignment vekkenda divasam college-il raavile vannittu teachere phone cheyyum, "Halla teacher, njaan Guruvayur ambalathil nilkuva, ippo thozhuthittu irangiyathe olloo......aa athe.......athu konde teacher, inne assignment vekkaan pattilla, njaan ellaam nerathe thanne ezhuthi theerthaarunnu, pakshe athu veettil irikkuvanu....nghe.....veedu poottiyekkuvanu, allaarunnenkil areyenkilum vittu assignment eduppikaamarunnu.......o sorry teacher.....njaan naale thanne vannu submit cheythoollaam.....ook teacher......thank you teacher.............." And then Snandi heads to the nearest theatre for the morning show.

Rahul opens his messenger when an offline message pops up from Sudeep which says “Yes”. Scratching his head what that meant, Rahul opens the message archive. On April 15, Rahul sends the message, “Are you online”. On May 20, one month after, Sudeep’s reply – “Yes”.

Shinu once messages to Nambi on his mobile – “Where are you?”. Nambi’s reply – “No”.

Anif parks his bike by the theatre and we went to watch a movie. Movie kazhinju thirichu vannappam avante bike-il kaakka kaaryam sadhichu.
Anif: Kaakka thooreennu thonnunnu.
Me: Kaakkakke ariyaam correct kakkoos evideyaanennu. Iniyenkilum ee jaambavan vandi kondu kalayade.

Keeri goes to Hyderabad during class tour and as they wait in the queue to enter Ramoji film city, there was this middle aged lady in front of them. Keeri quips to his friend, “ee ammachi bhayankara karate aanenne thonnunnu”, unknowing that the lady was a Malayali. The lady turns back with a scowl, looks at him, and snaps, “Atheda, ninne pole ulla onakka Malayalikale deal cheyyan karate thanne venam”.

KP was the one who introduced Nambi and I to Kubrick movies. KP says about some of his movies and after a while Nambi chats with this pavam guy Sreelesh.
Nambi: ee kubrick movies oru rekshayumilla. Athaanu art ennu parayunne. Athaanu perfection ennu parayunne.
Sreelesh: aara ee kubrick?
Nambi: nghe, ninakke kubrick-ine ariyille. Ayye! Che!
Only that Nambi just heard about Kubrick minutes ago from KP.

Friday noon was the time for bunking classes and going for movies and this time we went to see the Mammooty starring 'Big B'. Film begins and after a while Rohit says, “Njaan ee movie evideyo kandittundallo. Ithe English movie ‘Four Brothers’ inte frame by frame copy alle”. Nambi overhears that and turns back to us, “Eda, ithe ‘Four Brothers’ inte frame by frame copy. Ayye”
We: Athine nee ‘Four Brothers’ kandittundo?
Nambi turns to Rohit and meekly says, “Eda, naale aa film enikke pen drive-il aakki kondu tharane, marakkaruthu”.

Nambi’s orkut profile was atrocious. He had about 7 or 8 paragraphs describing himself (unfortunately, we forgot to take a screen shot of it then). Even more atrocious was his orkut album – pics displaying his face in different angles, front pose, back pose, side pose, side pose with an elevation of 30 degrees, Nambi laughing, Nambi serious, Nambi thinking etc etc etc. And then one day the dreaded thing happens. Some homo copies these pics, transfers it to his album, uses it as the display pic, joins all the gay communities, and sends scraps and friend requests to others, including one of Nambi’s friends. Nambi gets notified of this, he twists he turns, becomes uncontrollable and bursts, and charges into the guy's scrap book.

Screenshot courtesy – Rahul

Now this guy starts hitting on Nambi, says Nambi is so handsome and he feels a certain emotional attachment with his appearance, and stuff like that, and hence he used the pic. Finally after lots of Nambi’s efforts (saying his family and relatives and all are there in orkut), the guy removes all the pics. But now this guy wants to be friends with Nambi and wants to meet him, talk to him and stuff. See Nambi’s reply.

Screenshot courtesy -- Rahul

Nambi’s favorite movie at the time was ‘Life is Beautiful’ and he mentions it in orkut. There’s a Malayalam movie of the same name which was utter flop, and once a girl comes and says to him that his taste in movies is pathetic. Humiliated, the very same day Nambi changes the name of the movie to its original Italian version ‘La vita e bella’.

Fourth semester ‘Analog Communication’ exam for 1st series. Katta paper. Aarkum onnum arinju kooda. Marks vannu. Class topper Vipin Sasidharanu 15/50. Baakki ullavarude marks purake vannu.
Varun Jothish – 10/50
Vipul Mathew – 8/50
Nithin KP – 5/50
Thomas Sebastian – 2/50
Shubha V – 0/50
Later Vipul tries to placate Shubha, says “Kozhappamilla Shubha, 2nd series-inu ithinte double vangicha mathi”. Only to see a furious Shubha.
Vipul: Oh sorry, double cheythittu karyamillalle. Square cheythaalo.
Vipul runs away as Shubha gets up from her bench.

On the eve of exam we went to this Sir’s house to learn a particular portion of the syllabus. So Sir was teaching and then he casually asks whether anyone qualified for gate; we tell him that a girl X of computer science got top 50 rank. Sonu couldn’t place which girl that was; we described her to him in detail but still he didn’t get her. Sir continues his teaching. After a while, Sonu’s head springs up and in a fit of excitement shouts, “ooo, nammal 1st year-il busil vaay nookikondirunna aaa pennu!!”. Dead silence pervades inside the room. Everyone stares at him; Sir’s wife and daughter is in the next room; everyone clearly hears; Sir sweats; Perfect silence now………except for a wild giggling and chuckling of Sudeep who says to Sonu , “Ayyayye, ninakke engane aade avale nokkan thonniye, che!”. Now everyone starts sweating. Sir adjusts his glasses and slowly continues, “aaa the bandwidth of the modulated wave is…………

Third Semester Electronics workshop. Circuit-ine aavashyamayyittulla components students thanne vangichu kondu chellanam. Sabareesh brings his emandan capacitor and plugs it on the breadboard. Kurachu samayam kazhinje avante circuit-il ninnum puka varunnu. Pinne padakkam pottunna pole ulla oru shabdam. Background-il Sabareesh inte karachil -- "ayyo ente capacitor piece piece aayi poye.......".

In the middle of a boring, sleep inducing lecture, SFI comes to class asking if anyone’s blood group is A+ve, for immediate donation of blood to hospital. Sreejith springs up from his bench replying in the positive to which someone from the back shouts “Ayyo, avante blood HIV +ve aane!”, much to the embarrassment of teacher as well as the fury of Sreejith.

Nambi boasts to us that he was district level champion in softball, which all of us rejected as a tall tale.........Nambi proves it to us by showing a district team jersey with the team name 'city tigers' or something like that. Later Prasanna spots the exact same jerseys displayed for sale in the foot paths of East Fort.

For the exam that starts at 9.30 am, Nambi departs from his house at 9.45 am, much to the dismay of his mother. Nambi's explanation to his mom -- "oh payye chennal mathi, athinokke ollathe padichittolloo"

Then there was Pravachan. 50 Rs petty adicha traffic policine 100 Rs kaikkooli koduthe othukki theertha Pravachan. Swapnathil sundaranakan kulichu powderum ittu kidannurangunna budhi rakshasan Pravachan (Pravachan kathakal, as perfectly described by Mech guys)

During driving test of Pravachan, 
Inspector: What will you do if your vehicle hits and enters into a shop while you're driving?
Pravachan: Athu...athu....kai veliyil itte slow down signal kanikkum.
Inspector: Entammo!!!!!

1st year-il padikkunna samayam. Pravachan orikkal toilet-il poyappol, etho oru senior avane nokki cheetha vilichu. Pravachanum vittu koduthilla, thirichu vilichu nalla pulicha theri. Kurachu kazhinje oru pattam seniors avane valanju, ennitte koduthu naalidi vayattinittu. Ellaam kazhinje annan classil vannu parayuvane, “Gym-il pokunnathu konde onnum eettilla”.

If ‘impossible’ was the word that didn’t exist in Napoleon’s dictionary, ‘unbelievable’ was the one that didn’t exist in Thadiyan Raman’s dictionary. Always tells tall tales, every film actor is in some way his relative; chumma badayi oru chuluppum illaathe adikkum. Once he says to me and Allen, "Vishwanathan Anand ente family friend aanu. Orikkal njaan Vishwettante veettil poyi, ennitte chess kalichu. 1st game Vishwettan jayichu……..enikkathe sahichilla……aavesham keeri……sarva daivangaleyum viliche 2nd game kalichu……..njaan jayichu. Appam pullikaranu vaashi kayari. 3rd game kalichu…….athu draw aayi." 

Thadiyan Raman sees a notebook with some girl’s pic on its cover, says, “ee pennine njaan evideyo vechu kanda parichayam”. Allen, totally irritated and fed up of his ‘vedis’, “oo sammathichu, ee pennu ninte kochu mol, shah rukh khan ninte achan, preity zinta ninte amma, bollywood ninte tharavadu, mathiya?
Thadiyan: asooya!

Kaashukaran Soman muthalali goes to an ordinary restaurant in Tvm, and asks “Anna cocktail onda?”

The same Soman comes in his brand new Corolla to college, when Ashwin parks his rickety old Fiat model car beside him.
Soman: Ede ninte car-ine central locking ondade?
Ashwin’s hapless facial expression was something one can never forget.

One day Soman and us comes out of a hotel, Soman needs change for 10 rupees in coins; he spots a beggar by the side of the hotel with plenty of coins on his laid out handkerchief. Soman goes to him and asks, “anna, 10 Rs-ine annante kaiyile change tharamo”. Soman learns some brand new Tvm theris. Later Soman’s quip – “Lokame ‘thara’vadu”.

Chattu gets very sharp when he consumes alcohol. Saadarana normal allaatha avan vellam adichal normal aakum; maatramalla, apaara concentration um vekkum. We call it the normalization drink of Chattu. IPL nadakkunna samayam. Chattu vellam adichu full concentration-il match kaanunnu.
Shinu: dey, Kumble etra wicket eduthu?
Chattu: 2 wickets, 15 runs, 4 overs, 2 wides, economy rate 3.75.
Shinu floored.

So I was waiting outside principal’s office, when the name ‘Veena’ was called out. I looked around and saw this girl nearby and asks “Veena?”
Girl (looks down and around): Illa Veenillallo.

Prasanna’s taste for movies was wide known in college………his all-time favorite Malayalam movie is CID Moosa……….likes all crap Hindi movies, forces others to watch these movies, and then praises these movies for their acting and direction………………Soon a benchmark was established in college to determine the crappiness of a movie. Whenever anyone watches a horrible movie, the tagline that we use to describe the movie was, “aa cinema Prasannakke poolum ishtapedilla”.  

Sanil reads about some experiment in the text, encounters the sentence, “this process can be very cumbersome”. Sanil doesn’t understand its meaning, asks Vipin, “eda, ee cumbersome ennu paranjal enthuva?”
Vipin: vexatious
Sanil: ???!!
Turns to me and asks, “eda cumbersome ennu vechal…..?”
Me: operose
Sanil: (now thunks his head on the wall)

Sometime around when I started this blog, I became lured by Chatti’s advice of making money by placing ads in blog. Chatti says his father’s cousin’s daughter’s husband’s colleague’s neighbour’s son’s classmate’s brother made about 300$ from placing ads on his blog. So I too placed lots of google ads on this blog, below the title, between the posts, above the posts, on the sidebars etc etc. Only thing, no bloody fool clicked on any of those. So I myself started clicking and found it working, almost made 10$ in a month. The next day, google ads banned me permanently.

Sudeep’s answer in engg. economics series exam to the qn, “what is fiat money?” – “money used to buy fiat car…..approx 4.5 lakhs for palio”. Paper correct cheytha saar desp.  

Prasanna’s technique in answering unknown qns is somewhat as follows. Qn will be of the form, “Pashuvine patti ezhuthuka”. Answer will be of the form, “enikkoru pashuvunde…..pashuvine njaan thengil kettiyidum……thengu nammude kera vriksham aanu…..thengil ninnum thenga kittum” and writes 2 pages describing thenga.

Chottu likes this girl in our bus and ogles at her every single day. Everyday he makes a resolution that he’ll not look at her again. Resolution lasts for 7 hours…………that is his sleeping time.

Botsu, who’s not that fluent in Malayalam, asks me the difference between pani (work), pani (fever) and panni (pig).
Me: Well, pani is work, pani is fever, and panni is how you greet people in Kerala. Instead of ‘Hi buddy’, you can say something like ‘Hi panni’.
The bugger actually goes and tests this. The upshot of the incident was that he never asked me any doubts in Malayalam again.

When you speak to Rahul for sometime, out of the blue he'll talk about something that's totally irrelevant to the topic of discussion. Rahul, Sudeep, Praveen et al were discussing about some cricket match, suddenly Rahul -- "Appurathe veettile kochine eduthu njaan angu madiyil vechu". Keettu ninnavar ellaarum silent. Joliyil kayari kazhinjum avane valiya maattam onnum illa. On weekends when the gang was playing cards, Rahul all of a sudden, "de varunnu karutha kottitta judgi addeham".......ellaarum silent.

KP always loses interest in things after a while. He goes to play pool, says 'lost interest' after 2 games; goes for movie, says lost interest halfway into the movie; goes to theme park, says lost interest after 2, 3 rides; starts reading textbook, says lost interest after 2 chapters. Finally Chattu quips, "ho, ivanokke pennu kettiyal 2 days kazhinju parayumello interest poyennu", to which KP says he lost interest in listening to Chattu's quips.  

Usually in theatres here, at the beginning of movie when credits are displayed, fans clap and whistle when the hero's name is displayed on screen. Quite different from the general public, Nambi stands up and claps and whistles when the names of makeup-artist/stunt-master and the likes are displayed..........much to the bemusement of the audience.

Chattu, KP and Shinu goes to Nambi’s house and from there they goes to the badminton club; KP and Nambi in KP’s bike & Chattu and Shinu in Chattu’s bike. KP and Nambi reaches the club but even after waiting for half an hour doesn’t see any spot of Chattu’s bike. KP calls Chattu in his mobile asking where he is……….Chattu’s infamous dialogue – “Eda, enikke Nambi-de veettil pookanulla vazhiye ariyatholloo. Thirichu varan ariyilla.”

KP asks me to wait near Sreebala theatre where he’ll pick me up. Sreebala is the main theatre in the city that shows Adult films. While I wait near the theatre, my neighbor passes by poking his head through his car window………behind me is the poster that shows a scantily clad plump lady with the movie title ‘Swapnakamuki’. Later neighbor asks with a wry smile, “film engane ondaarunnu”.

Post College

Prasanna, who’s working in B’lore comes to Tvm every week. It costs him about 2000 rupees to and fro for the journey. His main intention of coming to Tvm is to watch movies in theatre as it’s too expensive to watch the same in B’lore. Prasanna’s explanation – “2000 rupees poyenkilentha, 40 rupees-inu film kaanaan pattiyille”

While watching a film in theatre, Nambi gets a call from his mom to know his whereabouts. Nambi’s reply – “Amma, njaan blue film kandu kondirikkuva”; while he was actually watching the Hindi film 'Blue'.

Name of the place that Kishore got posted to after training – 'eechamukku'. No kidding, there’s this place 'eechamukku' somewhere in ernakulam.

Vipin gets tired of the hotel food in B’lore and starts cooking. He rolls chappathis using beer bottles. When he returns home, he tells mom about his cooking sagas. Mom asks, “athinu chappathi roller illaathe engane aada nee athu parathunne”
Vipin (casually): beer bottle upayogiche.
Mom: nghe!! enthe!! nee avide kallu kudi thudangiyo?!!
Vipin realizes the abadham he just said.
Vipin: eey, athe njaan urine test cheyyan vendi bottle vangichatha.

Prasanna tries to lure a reluctant Chattu into watching ‘Avatar’, says “eda, ide saada film alla, kannadi okke veche aane kaanunnathe”, to which a bespectacled Chattu replies, “Oh, njaan ellaa film um kannadi vechade kaanunnathu”.

Rahul, Sabareesh, Pappu and others goes for a trip during weekend. When they come back, Sabareesh finds that the door wasn't locked........turns to Rahul and says, "Nee entha door lock cheyyanje? Nee alle avasaanam irangiye".........to which Rahul's blunt reply, "Athu konde? Njaan allallo door thoranne. Thoranna aal aane lock cheyyende"

Thavala goes to multiplex, asks for 'To harihar nagar'  tickets; man at the counter gives him 'two'  harihar nagar tickets. 150+150 = 300 rupees poyi kitti.

During reunion, Sree couldn’t come, so I ask Abru, “Sree enthu parayunnu?”.
Abru: Oh, Malayalam okke thanne.
Kettu ninnavar eellarum koodi avane eduthitte thalli. 

Chottu had this disaster management seminar in his office. The guy who took the seminar shows ‘em many videos and stuff, and one video was the 9/11 destruction of twin towers. Guy comes to the audience and asks, “Will this happen in India?” Chottu snaps, “No”.
Guy: why?
Chottu: Coz………there are no twin towers in India.
Seminar edutha aashaan desp.

Chattu becomes obsessed with playing the card game ‘28’……..28 is a 4 player game and Chattu coerces his roommates into playing with him………on weekends, weekdays, morning before going to work, evening after work……all the time………Fed up, one of the roommate packs up his bag and leaves (Actually the roommate left of different reasons but we put the blame on Chattu)……..Chattu ingeneously devices new rules and twists the game so as to make it a 3 player game……...After sometime, another of the guys also had enough of Chattu and resigns from playing the game………Now, Chattu again twists the rules so as to make it a 2 player game………After a while, the remaining guy also quits playing the game…………..Chattu, not intent on giving up, now loads the game on his laptop and plays with computer. Speak about never-say-die attitude………… Latest news is that Chattu has loaded the game on his mobile too and plays while commuting.

Prasanna has a crush on this northie girl in his batch during his training. Incidentally this girl, let’s call her V baby, stays in the room right above that of Prasanna’s. Prasanna dreams of various situations involving V baby, like for instance, if the floor above him collapses, V baby will fall into his lap, or if he drills his bathroom ceiling, he can see V baby’s bathroom, or if he removes his fan and drills, he can see V baby’s bed, stuff like that, to which everyone responds “etra manoharamaaya nadakkaatha swapnam”, enraging Prasanna. The funny stuff is that Prasanna does all the donkey’s work in the lab while she chats in her mobile all the time; and when her phone’s battery drains, she uses Prasanna’s phone, calls her mom, says “hello maa, mein yaham bahut badi badi kaam kar rahi hum………”. Prasanna endures everything for her lady love. Then one day, another girl in a different batch approaches Prasanna enquiring how to reach Kochi airport in the shortest time. Prasanna gives her all the details, train timing, route from railway station to airport, all the nitty-gritty details; girl thanks Prasanna, says it’s actually for her friend, whose boyfriend is reaching Kochi, and this friend wants to meet him and spend some time with him and stuff. Guess who this friend was – V baby. Prasanna was later spotted in the beach with a thousand-yard stare into the abounding sea, with tears flowing down his cheeks. Ippazhum aa training katha oorthu avan karayarundu........vellam adikkumbol.

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So there! That's almost everything that I could possibly dig up. I know I can never go back but at least I can come back to this little space and relive those memories time and again. And that's the purpose for most of the part besides sharing it with others.........coz...... happiness is only real when shared, to quote from the diary of McCandless.........Cheers! 

Proportion that didn't quite work

During the Onam celebrations in the 3rd year of college, there were several competitions among the various branches and one of them (and the most popular) was the Athapookkalam competition. So every branch tries hard to design the most flamboyant and exquisite arrangement of flowers, and our batch wanting not to be left behind starts making a big round flashy Athapookkalam (well, not me though; I was a mere spectator or rather let’s say, a member of the morale boosting committee). But midway into the making, the flowers that we procured got used up. So we collected money from among ourselves and directs Keeri to go to the city (as he was the one in the immediate vicinity who had a bike) and buy some flowers. And out of our generosity, we told Keeri he may use the remaining money after buying the flowers for filling petrol in his bike. 

After a while, Keeri comes back with just a handful of flowers much to our disappointment and anger. On closer inspection we find that his bike, which had its fuel indicator needle close to the left before he left, is now in the extreme right position. 
What we directed: Buy flowers and with the remaining money, fill petrol.
What he did: Filled petrol and with the remaining money, bought a meager quantity of flowers from the cheapest shop in town. 

Epilogue: We had human tikka masala for Onasadya. 

Happy Onam folks!!

Who's weird?

Einstein was a weird guy in our batch in college. Weird in the sense that he doesn’t think properly. Doesn’t think properly in the sense that he doesn’t think like an average red-blooded college student. Thinking like an average red-blooded college student means thinking about the 3 cardinal Bs, viz. bikes, babes & booze (in any order). [If you mention the ominous B, that is books, then you’re out of the league and you don’t qualify]. Most of the time Einstein will be thinking about why the electron jumped to the other side of the diode or why there’s no non-linear distortion due to magnetization in class AB power amplifier and sometimes he goes to the very basic but profound questions such as why the sun rises in the East or whether we all are real people or just programmed to live in a Matrix (if you ‘member the story of the movie ‘The Matrix’), and endless stuff like that. But that’s not the only reason why we call him Einstein, it’s also coz of his weird looking hair which makes us wonder whether he received an electric shock or something, plus his absent mindedness. 

Last day D-babe, another of our batchmate, happened to see Einstein at the railway station (story courtesy: CK). She waved her hand to him and smilingly accosted him.

D-babe: Hi.....long time.....how you doing.
Einstein (with a straight face): Who are you? 

(I wonder if there’s anyone other than Einstein who hasn’t ogled at D-babe in college. Well, his reply was a big blow to D-babe)

D-babe: !!! You don’t know me! I was your classmate!
Einstein: Where? In school? 
D-babe: College!!!
Einstein: Oh, computer science batch; oh ya I now remember. 
D-babe (raising her decibel): NO! Electronics! 2008 BATCH! Your very same class!! 

Einstein places his index finger on his chin & looks upwards .

D-babe (almost at the verge of shouting): We were in the same class for 4 years!!!
Einstein (now getting a bit scared at D-babe’s tone): Oh hai. How’re you? What’s up? What news? 
D-babe: Oh yeah? What’s my name?
Einstein: You don’t know your name?
D-babe: Not that you idiot; I’m asking YOU whether you ‘member my name.
Einstein (now starts sweating profusely): errrr...Mu...Mu...Muthu Lakshmi? 
D-babe: Muthu Lakshmi your @$#%&#&! 

D-babe walks away grumbling and murmuring.

Einstein: Girls are really weird these days. 

Now who’s weird? 

Don’t try to teach the pope how to make the sign of the cross

I’ve written 59 posts so far in this blog out of which 25 are labeled ‘character assassination’. Now you might think why I’m such a callous and merciless Mephistopheles in flesh and blood when it comes to mocking my friends and pulling their legs. But I was molded like this by my very own friends; and believe me, I’ve been at the receiving end more times than you can ever imagine. So you see, I’m a product of my circumstances; thanks to school and college buddies; been a victim of innumerous pranks and mockery over the years; and pretty much seasoned by now. Now why I told you all these is coz I received an sms last night. It said, 

“Hi Thomas. How are you? I don’t know how to say this to you in person, hence this message. I really like you. It’s been a while since I’ve been noticing you and I’ve a feeling that you’re the perfect guy for me.”

Don’t ask me why but this message doesn’t look girlish, not by a long shot. 

The following exchange of sms ensued:

(Hum is me and Tum is the person at the other end)

Hum: April fool was yesterday. You missed the date buddy. Well who’s this? 

Tum: Today is April 2nd and this is real ok. I’m a secret admirer. Had to sweat out a lot to get your mobile number.  

Hum: Interesting.

Tum: I saw you yesterday waiting at the bus stop. The white shirt with black stripes really suits you. I liked that.

Hum: Oh really. What else do you like?

Tum: I like your smile. 

Hum: That’s funny.

Tum: Funny man, you want to meet me? 

Hum: You think I’m that desperate and lonely to meet people? Nice. 

Tum: If you don’t want, ok then.

Hum: Ok, have a nice day.

Tum: It seems you’re not as nice as I thought you were.

Hum: Well, appearances can be deceptive. 

Tum: It was my mistake to even think about contacting you. Anyway thanks for the warm response. Bye. 

Hum: No mention please. BuBye.

*End of conversation*

Now I called Navy to check whether he knows anyone with this mobile number.

“Any idea whose number this is?”

“Let me check my contacts”

“Make it fast”

“Man where did you get this number from? This is a girl named Riya. She is in my class at TIME. Stays near your house I suppose”

(Impossible! Considering that the dude is an incorrigible liar when it comes to girl issues, I can never take his words at face value.) 

“Hmm ok”

“Why?”

“Nothing, see you tomorrow. Bye”

“Ok bye”

After a while I just casually browsed my call-log in mobile to see if I received any call from this number. Down down down………..Bingo!

March 28th, 11:50 AM……….The same number. Now where was I on that hot sweltering Saturday noon? Bank! Yes, bank. And who called me at that time? Who? Who called me asking whether I’m coming for movie that evening? Who changed his SIM 2 weeks back? Who hasn’t shaved in 3 weeks?  

One name – Abhi! One and only Abhi! 

Well well well. All the equations are solved and the values to the variables are found. Trying to be the bloody prankmaster huh. Playing with me? Well you think a guy can come like   *snap*   that trying to fool me and walk away unharmed? No, there are consequences to be faced. There’s blood to be shed. 

Next day, I publicized all the messages that he sent me. Bang! Abhi got showered with a plethora of nicknames on a single day. Some samples:

1. Brokeback Kuttappan
2. Homo kallan 
3. Daffodils (If anyone ‘members the lines of the poem ‘The Daffodils’ -- “A poet could not but be ‘gay’, in such a jocund company”)

Now whenever we pass by Abhi, we say,

“Don’t look at us like that. We’re not that type. Beat it”

And as for Navy who conspired in this failed scheme (Navy and Abhi stays in the same rented house; that explains his involvement), it seems he still hasn’t learned his lesson from this. But take heart, I’m there naa, lessons will be taught. Soon. Very soon. (What can I do if people don’t allow me to be a good boy)

So buddies, behave nice with me. 

The girl with a sweet voice

“Avalude voice itrayum sweet aanenkil kaanaan engane aayirikkum? Just imagine” 

says Navy, my fellow trainee in telecom class.  

It all happened yesterday. Navy, while withdrawing cash from an ATM, finds a mobile phone by the side of the counter. He takes the mobile, goes home, searched for “Home” number in its contacts and gives a call. A man picks up the phone. 

Navy (in RamjiRao style): Ningade mobile nammude custodyil aanu. Number 99xxxxxxxx. 
Man at the other end: Ente moolde number aanallo athu. Ayyo! ningal avale kidnap cheytho? How many moneys veenam thirichu kittaan?? 

Navy makes him understand the situation and says his mobile is safe with him and will return it the next day. After a while the man’s daughter contacts him and thanks him, says it’s hard to find good-hearted people like Navy these days (Oh Puleez, gimme a break). And they agree to meet at evening the next day to hand over the mobile.  

The next day: 

Our Romeo arrayed himself in his finest clothes, sprayed 3 different kinds of perfumes, polished his shoes and most importantly, had a bath (finally!). All day long in class he has been dreaming about the ‘girl with the sweet voice’, charts out his entire life with her, plans his honeymoon destination, decides which school to send their children to, and the bungling bird brain he is, looks down upon us as ‘losers’ who never got a phone call from any ‘girl-with-a-sweet-voice’. He spoke in lengths of the frequency, tone, bass, pitch etc etc etc of her voice (slightly turning out to be a psycho, I know) and says how unlucky the rest of us are who doesn’t have the chance to meet her at evening.  

“After meeting we might go for dinner, then most probably we’ll spend the night together. Will be too tired to come for class tomorrow. Please daaan’t misunderstand me, unlucky fellaas”, says Navy with a wry smile.

Evening:  

Full sleeved shirt without a single wrinkle, shiny black shoes, excessively oiled hair, thick black sunglasses and a face smeared with Cuticura powder. An extra-terrestrial like being is spotted at Ambalamukku bus stop, who is constantly looking at watch and combing hair every now and then. People passing by slows down and stares at him; college girls walking by looks at each other and laughs hysterically; elderly souls stops by and gives a ‘Evan aareda?’ look; commuters at bus quickly take their mobile phones and snaps a photo (probably to send to museum with a caption “Apoorva Jeevi”).  

After a while comes the ‘girl with a sweet voice’, the girl of Navy’s dreams. She’s a sweet, pretty, cute, innocent.............13 year old school girl.

*Boom**Crash**Thud* 

And that’s not all. After giving her the mobile, girl says, 

“Thankyou uncle”

The mystery behind the practice

What does an average demented Indian do when he’s 17 years old?? That’s right, he goes for tuition, slogs and prepares for entrance exams. Now, those people who were enlightened and smart enough not to go for engineering, medicine, mosquito killing, bug bashing et al, please excuse; I was referring to the not-so-fortunate hapless souls. Our gang of demented, undernourished, ill begotten young teenagers thrived in the tuition classes hurling paper rockets and gawking at girls. Learning, studying, cramming and other socially acceptable activities were done during the precious moments snatched in between sleep. Inky pinky ponkying on the OMR sheet and randomly bubbling on it became a mundane affair. And hitting rock bottom marks became as routine as brushing our teeth (yeah we did brush our teeth, seriously!). But all of a sudden, Mundan Pakru started scoring astronomical marks for mock tests. Rumors started spreading that Pakru is burning the midnight oil cramming volumes of information and that Pakru’s mom now feeds him gallons of vitamin tonics and Dabur Chyawanprash. We were amazed at Pakru’s sudden metamorphosis into a brilliant, studious chap and when asked about it he smugly gave some unsolicited advice:

“Practice man practice. Practice makes perfect; perfect like me.”

One day, we went to Pakru’s house to collect some notes; Pakru wasn’t there and as we waited for him to come, we had a casual talk with his mom. Somewhere in the midst of the talk, his ‘too naïve’ mom says, “It’s quite strange. Pakru has been writing alphabets all the time. Always writing ABCD on pieces of paper.”

Writing alphabets?? ABCD??? Pieces of paper??!!!

A little investigation into the case disentangled the mystery behind the sudden rise of Pakru’s marks. Our tuition class had various batches at different timings and all batches got the same question paper for tests. What did that smart-ass of a Pakru do? He simply borrowed the question paper and the keys from the previous batch and Voila!! A brilliant student formed out of thin air. Later we confronted Pakru and quipped,

“So this is what your ‘practicing’ was all about eh? Practicing ABCD??”

only to see the big wide grin of Pakru (showing his big yellow teeth. No, we didn’t believe he brushed his teeth).

Beware of Sex! I mean the Opposite one!!

People don’t pay heed to my advice when it comes to issues regarding the opposite sex. Such people learn life the hard way. Botsu was one such person.

In the penultimate semester of college, when we were asked to form groups for the main project, I had time and again reminded Botsu that it would be better if he formed a boys-only group. I had my own reasons for that:

1. You don’t lose your concentration due to the presence of the fairer sex.
2. Time is not unnecessarily wasted due to flirting.
3. You’ll not be prone to proximity infatuations.
4. You don’t have to find yourself eavesdropping their chittering and chattering and gossips.
5. They are of no use when it comes to the transportation of equipments.
6. Late night discussions at one’s place are not possible.
Etc etc etc.

So I tactfully formed a boys-only group to stay away from unnecessary troubles and travails. But despite my constant warnings, Botsu was blinded by the sweet words and guileful tactics of Jam babe and Shubs that he ended up being in their group.

The last words I said to him were, “As you sow, so you reap, but don’t weep”.

Botsu: “You squirmy little squirrel, I know that you’re jealous of my macho looks and sex appeal. And I know that you want me to end up a loser like you. But cut it out, it ain’t working buddy.”

To each his own. I didn’t even bother to reply.

Now let’s wind the clock a few months forward.

“KILL ME!! Somebody please kill me!”, Botsu’s voice echoes in the hallways of college.

“My project is a mess, my life is a mess, and errr my hair is a mess. Why O Why, Lord, didn’t you give the right sense to follow the precious advice of Thomas”

Botsu had to face a multitude of problems with Jam babe and Shubs in addition to the fact that the girls did zero work. Altercations! Arguments! Blaming! Finally it was decided that the girls would prepare the project report.

Botsu’s sense of relief was shattered two days prior to the D-day of submission of the report when he heard that the girls haven’t even started typing the report. Jam babe assures Botsu that she types super fast and will complete the report the next day and they’ll submit it without any delay.

The next day, Jam babe and Shubs goes to the internet café to type the report (as her computer had some problems). By evening, the girls phone Botsu, says they completed all the work, and returns home. After some time Botsu gets another phone call.

Jam babe: “errr, Botsu, there’s a small problem”
Botsu: “Are you sure it’s small?”
Jam babe: “Ya ya, don’t worry. We forgot to copy the files to the pen drive”

BZAAT!! Botsu has a heart attack.

Jam babe: “I’m gonna go right to the café now and copy the files. Problem solved. Now be a smart boy and come tip-top tomorrow to submit the report”

After some time Botsu gets yet another phone call.

Jam babe: “I’m at the café now. There seems to be another problem”
Botsu: “What? What? What?!!”
Jam babe: “I can’t find the files in this stupid computer. I think……...I think I forgot to save the files!”

Swooooooon. THUD!! Botsu faints.

Epilogue:

The next day, Botsu tries to convince the teacher how his dog ate his 150 page project report and how a lightning struck his computer destroying the soft copy of the report, but to no avail. Finally he had to plead, beg and fall onto the feet of the teacher to extend the date of submission. Botsu says it’s a lesson he learned the hardest way, that,

"Never trust your life or project report in the hands of a woman"

A Killer of a Different Kind

Beware! Beware! He’s coming, he’s coming! His flashing eyes, his gaping mouth! Weave a circle around him thrice and close your eyes with holy dread, coz you know not when he’s in for the kill!

Men are said to have different kind of obsessions and weaknesses. Some are obsessed with money, some with women; and these constitute the majority. And there is a minority group (correct me if I’m wrong) that are heavily obsessed with something else. They might be your closest pals; will help you in whatever situation you are; shares books, notes, clothes, money, food, Whoa!! Whoa!! Wait a second. No, not food. Impossible! Yes, the third category of men are those obsessed with, you know what, food!! Such is one of my friends. Let’s call him Cereal Killer (CK). 

Economists say that the food crisis of the world is due to factors such as rising oil prices, falling world food stockpiles, unseasonable draughts, commodity market speculation, climate changes et al. Bush says it's due to the increasing food consumption in India. Bingo! And I know who makes India's food consumption graph rise into the stratosphere. Yeah, I know! I might be overstating the obvious but I can’t help it. Cereal Killer’s obsession for food is known far and wide in our city. The people who feared him the most were the hotel owners near our college. As soon as they see him striding towards the hotel, the owners start yelling out,

“Quick, pull down the shutters fellas, that road rodent is coming”

“But boss, he can be our biggest source of income”

“Listen up man, that glutton orders meals; extra servings of rice and curry don’t cost more and that scumbag utilizes that to the maximum”

“But boss, that should be no problem, we’ve enough stock to feed him 2 to 3 servings”

“Shut up you idiot, I’m not talking about his appetizers”

“!!!!”

I wouldn’t have written this post but I was so incensed by what happened today that I decided it’s high time to do something about it. I’m pretty sure CK will be reading this post and might probably arrange some goondas to annihilate me and some hackers to destroy my blog, but you know, I’m willing to take the risk. 

Today evening, CK took me to a nice hotel to give me that long pending treat. Ok, let me cut short everything and come to the point. There was a total of 4 chicken pieces. While I just finished my 1st piece of chicken, CK consumed his quota of 2. Naturally, the one left belongs to me (Oh come on, though he’s paying the bill, he’s the host; it’s his treat for Pete’s sake!!). Fatso has been eyeing that one piece for quite sometime. His intermittent glances towards me and that piece said it all. All of a sudden,

“So Thomas, you don’t want that chicken piece eh?”

“Ya, I want” 

And I lifted my hand to pick it up. I blinked my eyes for a split second. Gone!! The chicken is gone!! Is this what they call ‘sleight of hand’? I looked at CK. He burped. I fumed. 

I now understand why his mom and dad are so lean and he’s so stout. Man, I can almost visualize the scenario in his home.

Dad: Quick honey, that voracious animal of our son is coming, hide all the food! 
Mom: No use, he smells food like a Bloodhound. 
Pet cat: (Must hide cat food, or else I’ll starve today)

CK: Chicken!! I smell chicken!!
Dad: Errr, no son, there’s nothing of that sort in here. Maybe the neighbors are cooking chicken.
CK: Nonsense! My nose never lies to me. What’s it that you’re hiding, gimme that!!

*Chomp* *Chomp**Chomp*

Dad: At least, he didn’t take my roasted beef. I’ll whip his ass if he lay his hands on my beef.
Mom (as if a cue from behind): Correction. There’s no ‘if’.

Vipz's Story

Late night combined studies is a time for telling jokes, gossips, the merits and demerits of the latest film around, watching TV, eating junk food, more TV, and at last and the least, studying a.k.a. cramming. It was one of those late night sessions when Vipz and I hit the books for a daunting 12 minutes & 40 seconds straight, that we decided to take a much awaited rest to relax our minds after the long tiring study session. So off we went to watch some TV. As we surfed through the umpteen channels, FTV sprung up; and that’s when Vipz told me he gets reminded of a particular incident that happened 9 years back whenever this channel comes up. For the uninitiated, FTV is Fashion Television, an absolutely boring channel for everyone; everyone except boys who’ve just entered the adolescent phase. The channel shows fine female figures catwalking on the ramp which induces funny fantastic feelings in young boys. Now where was I? Ya, Vipz’s story. Here it goes:

After the final exams at school, young Vipz decides to spend the vacation in his native place, not just to see his beloved grandpa and grandma, but also to see Cable TV and the gazillion channels in it (those were the times when Cable TV wasn’t ubiquitous as it is now). Once there, he discovered this channel called FTV which showed beautiful figures of a particular kind of human species; but he knew he didn’t get a chance to see this channel when everyone was around. So, determined to watch it, he walks gingerly into the TV room one night (after making sure his grandparents has fallen asleep); switches on the TV in mute mode and puts his blanket over the TV case and also over himself (he sitting on the floor), so that the light from TV doesn’t spread across the room and he can watch TV in peace without anyone knowing. Smart chap I say! But there was some junk showcase articles kept on top of the TV case and as Vipz started enjoying the ramp show, the blanket slowly slipped from over the case along with all the articles on it. *THUD* *CRACK* *THUD* !! Vipz sprung up from the floor terrified, changed the channel (but unfortunately did not switch OFF the TV), pulled down the shutter of the TV case, ran back to his bedroom and jumped onto his bed. Grandpa and grandma wakes up hearing the cracking sounds; comes within a short while to the TV room and switches ON the lights. Seeing the messy floor,

Grandma: There’s something wrong with this house now-a-days. We should call the Poojari to perform the delayed rituals. 
Grandpa: It might be that stupid cat.

Then they go to Vipz’s room, he’s there sleeping cozily under the blanket, I mean pretending to sleep cozily; they awaken him.

Grandpa: Son, did you see or hear anyone around here.
Vipz (yawning): Wha, err, har! See?? Wha….Hear?? No, I was sleeping.
Grandpa (believing his “honest”, “innocent” grandson): Alright son, nothing to worry, you go back to sleep.
Vipz: Ya, ok grandpa.

And he falls asleep immediately, I mean he pretends to. Grandpa goes to the TV room, turn OFF the lights and when about to turn, sees light coming out of the TV case. He lifts up the shutter of the case and to his dismay sees snakes crawling and hissing, on TV. Guess what, Vipz had switched to 'Discovery Channel' before running off to his room.

Grandma: I told ya there was something wrong. The Snake Gods are displeased.
Grandpa: Hmm, I too guess it’s time to call the Poojari and perform the rituals.

And that week itself all the poojas and yajnas were done to please the Gods and ward off all the evil forces out of the house. I know which evil force that was!! The “evil” himself told me 9 years later! 

Brainy Blooper

In the final semester we had a paper on Biomedical Engineering which consisted partly of biology and we being electronics engineering students, had our own versions in understanding the human physiology. There was a topic called “EEG frequency bands” which discusses the different types of waves produced in the brain. For example, alpha waves are produced in the initial stages of waking when the eyes are closed; beta waves, when there are high states of wakefulness; theta and delta are indications of sleep. 

After the exam, we went to Vipin’s house to take some photostats for the next exam. An exhausted and sleepy Vipin closes his eyes and says to Priyadarshan,

“My brain must be producing alpha waves now”

Sanil overhears that,

“No no, you got it wrong; you should be running with your eyes closed to produce really good alpha waves”.

Vipin: What?? Get lost!

Sanil: Yes man; walking with your eyes closed can also produce alpha waves, but weakly. 

Priyadarshan: You mean only somnambulists produce alpha waves?

Sanil: Exactly.

We all disagree with Sanil but he relentlessly argues; says he had read that in his reference text and had written volumes about alpha waves in the exam. And he takes out the text from his bag and gives it to us. It says,

“Alpha waves arise from the posterior brain in the waking person with eyes closed”.

Guess what, “waking person” was misread by Sanil as “walking person”. We all began laughing hysterically while Sanil remains perplexed as to what was going on. We explained to him the mistake while still trying to suppress our laughter; wondering about the plight of the examiner who has to go through volumes of pure “gas” in his answer paper. The difference one letter can make!!!

More Viva Woes

Excerpts from the Course Viva: 

Teacher: What is virtual height? 
Rohit: Virtual height with regards to what? 
Teacher: Virtual height of an antenna.
Rohit: Virtual height of an antenna with regards to what?
Teacher: !!!! Ok, what’s internet? 
Rohit: Internet is ….errr....a vast array of….errr
Teacher: What topology does it use?
Rohit: Topology with regards to what?
Teacher: !@#$%@$%#


Teacher: Who discovered electron? (Answer is J.J. Thomson)
Shinu: Ja….err….Ja....mmm….Jackson!
Teacher: Jacksonaa? Aare, Michael Jacksonaa? 


Einstein goes to the viva in his usual smelly clothes, messy hair and a wildly unshaven look. 
Teacher: First tell me what’s bothering you. 
Einstein strikes a chord in teachers emotions, says stuff like he’s a lone ranger and has got no friends (must’ve referred to girlfriends); teacher becomes sentimental and finishes his viva soon. The next day, a horde of messy, smelly, unshaven guys (including yours truly) appears before a perplexed teacher, but, counter-intuitively, gets extra tough viva questions. Sigh!

Excerpt from Microwave Lab Viva: 

Botsu made the day for Microwave lab viva. To the uninitiated, Botsu did his schooling till 10th grade in Botswana, a country in the southern part of Africa. 

Teacher: Give me an application of microwave.
Botsu: Raider!
Teacher: Raider? Athenthuva?
Bostu: Teacher, Raider. R-A-D-A-R.
Teacher: Oh! Radar. Iyaal ividengum ulla aalalle?
Botsu: Alla, njaan Africa ninnu vannatha.
Teacher: !!! Thaanentha enne kaliyaakkukayaano, njaan thanikku mottayittu tharum lab inu.
Botsu: Ayyo teacher, satyamaayittum njaan Africa aane!!

P.S. Actually, a lot of stuff happened during the viva, but due to the successive plethora of exams, I don’t remember much of ‘em.  
P.P.S. Botsu was almost correct in his pronunciation. It’s actually pronounced “reydahr” which we mallus tend to mispronounce as “radahr”. My bad, but we did have a very good laugh at Botsu’s expense. 

Viva-voce or Viva-woes

Last semester we had this Microprocessor Lab exam for which the viva questions asked by the external were a tad too tough to answer. We all had our unsuccessful viva sessions (to say the least) and that’s when Tubelight’s turn came (he’s worse than a kaput tubelight when it comes to understanding PJs and stuff, hence the name). He too had no shot at the viva and the external was now a bit too frustrated; throwing tubelight’s answer paper on to the table, in a sign of desperation.

External: Nee okke enthina padikkunne.
Tubelight: Sir, S7 Electronics and Communication (in utter seriousness, not understanding the sarcasm in the question).
External: !!! (slaps his forehead)

Reminds me of the conversation between Innocent and Jagadeesh in the Malayalam movie “Godfather” –
Innocent (to Jagadeesh): Nee enthina padikkene.
Jagadeesh: Final year LLB.
Innocent: Athalla, nee okke enthinaaaaa padikeneennu, nee onnum padichitte oru kaaryoom illa.
Jagadeesh: (shows his trademark lopsided smile)

We’re no ordinary worms, we’re glow worms!

P.S. This is perhaps my last post as a college student. Classes and internals are over and now it’s time for exams, labs and more vivas. So, I’m going into hibernation; will be back. Till then, ciao!!

Hazing - who's the hunter, who's the prey??

Jam babe used to get handpicked by the then seniors when she was a fresher in college. They ruthlessly made her sing, dance and answer all of the insane questions, not once, not twice, but many a time. Now, times and tides have changed and the young, tenderfoot, innocent Jam babe is long gone; she’s now at the helm, read final year, of college. But the haunting memories of the callous ragging still seem to frustrate her and these frustrations are mainly relieved by occasionally picking up the current freshmen and passing onto them all of what she endured.

Scene 1:

The classes were over a bit early for our batch that day and Jam babe hastily hurried towards the college bus to reserve her seat. Unfortunately, a freshman had already seized Jam babe’s usual seat.

Jam babe: Ithe ente sthiram seat aanennu arinjukoode?
Freshman: !!!!
Jam babe: Eyaal ezhunneette.
(He gets up and gives the seat to Jam babe)
Jam babe: Aatte, oru paattu paadikke.
Freshman: Ayyo chechi, enikke paadan ariyilla.
Jam babe: A to Z alphabets ariyaamallo, athu oru thaalathil angu paadiyaal mathi.
(Freshman does the task as instructed)
Jam babe: Ini oru break dance.
Freshman: Chechi, ente kaal ulukkiyirikkuva, athu konde dance kalikkaan pattilla.
Jam babe: Chumma number onnum irakkanda; njaan senior aane. Ninnoodu paadaan paranjaal paadanam, aadaan paranjaal aadanam.
Freshman: Illenkil?
Jam babe: Njaan aaraanennu ninakku ariyaamo.
Freshman: Chechikku njaan araanennu ariyaamo.
Jam babe: Nee 1st year ile oru thukkeda payyan.
Freshman: Njaan 1st year ile oru thukkeda payyan aayirunnu, naalu varsham mumbu. Ippum njaan final year Automobile Engg.
Jam babe: !!!!!! (Rats!)
(Freshman will be hereafter referred to as Auto chettan)
Auto chettan: Nee Electronics batch alle, vokey ellaam sheriyaakki tharaam.
(And he walks away)

Scene 2:

The next morning, Auto chettan along with a horde of his batch mates marched into our classroom and besieged Jam babe; then started shouting slogans, “Auto kaare thottu kalichaal akkali theekkali sookshicho”. Now here goes the killer punch - 
Jam babe (to Auto chettan): Athine njaan ninne thottillallo!
Auto studs: !!!
Electronic studs: !!!

P.S. When I told Jam babe that she’s going to be the next victim in my blog - 
Jam babe: Ninte thallipoli blog thudangiya samayathu njaan maatramaarunnu ninakke aakeyundaarunna “COMMENTERATOR”. Athu oorthal nanne.
Whatever the case maybe, you’re still my dearest “COMMENTERATOR”. Keep Jamming!!

Vipz's Clothing Lingo

Scenario: Lunch break in college

Vipz: Hey Mudiyan, someone came to the class to meet you; said it was very urgent.
Mudiyan: Who?
Vipz: Don’t know his name. He said he’ll wait; might be somewhere around here. By the way, he was wearing a pajama.
Mudiyan: Hmm, might be some hostel guy.

Mudiyan searches the whole college for the pajama clad guy but couldn’t find any. He returns back to class only to find the Kurta clad student of S6.

An irate Mudiyan (to Vipz): Ithaanoda pajama??
Vipz: Sorry, enikku thettu pattiyatha, I meant Kurta.
Mudiyan: Ninakku pajama ennu vechal enthaanennu ariyaamo?
Vipz: Ariyaam. Athu “Nightie” alle; kidakkaan neerathu upayogikkunne!!

AutoBalan's NASA (with a twist of Reverse Blooper)

AutoBalan is an Automobile engineering student in our college and is in the same class as AutoTom. AutoBalan has an answer for every question even if he’s ignorant of it. Listen to a conversation between AutoTom and AutoBalan (overheard by a well-wisher in their class):

AutoTom: ee NASA yude full-form enthonnede?
AutoBalan (after thinking for a while): National Auto Sport Association!!!
AutoTom: orappaana?
AutoBalan: thannede.

Now, wait a second before you smile or smirk; it seems that the well-wisher and I made a jackass of ourselves deciding to publish this post. Why?? Because there’s indeed a National Auto Sport Association in reality. I googled for it a little while ago before publishing this post, just to be sure, and found this in Wikipedia. And that's my first reverse blooper; bang, bang, boomeranged!!

P.S. What can I say about AutoBalan? Respect man, respect!!

Botsu's Technical Glitches

Botsu seems to be making headlines these days; a good amount of my blog space has been taken by his tales of goof-ups including this, this and this. Here’s another small one to add to the repertoire. Botsu had borrowed a USB flash drive (pen drive) from KP consisting of some utility softwares, games and stuff. All excited about the new games and softwares, Botsu plugs the USB stick into his system. Zap!!! The computer turned OFF!! Realizing that the USB stick contained some highly malicious Virus, Botsu in a fit of rage phoned KP.

Botsu: You bloody crook!! Your stupid pen drive caused my system to be inoperative.
KP: What happened??
Botsu: Nothing happened; my computer just became defective, dumbo!!
KP: Hmm, maybe the pen drive contained some Virus or Trojans.
Botsu: Maybe???
KP: But at least you should be able to access Windows. Maybe there is a hardware problem. You take out the RAM and plug it into another slot.
Botsu: Ok, let me see.

No use. Still not working. Again, Botsu phoned KP.

KP: Clean the mother board.
No use.
KP: Take out the hard drive and plug it again.
No use.
KP: Take out the buses and clean it.
No use.
KP: Maybe you should give it for servicing.
Botsu: And you’re going to pay for it.

Another altercation springs up. As soon as Botsu hung up the phone, the computer starts working. Puzzled, Botsu gets out of his room and hears his dad mumbling something.

Botsu’s Dad: Power failures are becoming such a menace now-a-days.
Botsu: !!!!!!!

P.S. The bugger doesn’t use a UPS.
P.P.S. Next day, KP lashed out a series of verbal abuses and Botsu had to patiently listen to all of that. 

AutoTom's Take On Hindi

AutoTom is Botsu’s neighbor who’s doing Automobile engineering in our college. Once AutoTom went to VSSC with his project-mates for some purpose concerning his final year project. The security in VSSC is very stringent and they do not allow any paraphernalia to be taken with the students inside their campus. There was this North Indian guard by the gates who gave some instructions to AutoTom and his gang.

Guard: Bags "chair ke" ooper rakho.
AutoTom (turning towards his batch-mates): Paranjathu keettile, ellaarum bags "cheerthu" vekkede.
Batch-mates: !!!!
Guard: !!!!

Moral of the Story: Birds of the same region make similar bloopers (and that’s a blindingly obvious reference to Botsu).

Botsu's Infatuations

Botsu fell in love with this girl, the first time he saw her. But that’s not the first time he fell in love. He had been falling and falling since aeons ago. The current girl is a fresher in college and is in the same bus stop as Botsu’s. According to Botsu there is something mysterious about her; an aura of enigma surrounds her which seems to captivate the deepest recesses of his heart -- that’s what Botsu says, to be specific. So for name sake let’s call her “The Mystery girl” or “M-girl”. The problem with Botsu is that he blatantly ogles at girls and keeps on ogling even if they start noticing it. So I think it was pretty obvious for M-girl to realize that she was the cynosure of Botsu’s eyes. M-girl is in the same engineering branch as ours and Botsu has been waiting for a perfect opportunity to strike a conversation with her.

Scenario: M.G road at Statue junction on a busy Monday evening after college

The traffic signal was red and Botsu is crossing the road. He turns back and sees M-girl behind him. Botsu seems very much surprised and excited and suddenly strikes a conversation with her. The dialogues are as follows but I can almost imagine what’s going on in their minds which are given in italics.

Botsu: Hai, you know me right? I’m in your same bus stop. (Yo babe, haven’t you seen this 6 foot handsome macho man, you bet)
M-girl: Errr, haven’t noticed. (Of course I know you; you are the bloody loafer who keeps on staring at me)
Botsu: (Thud!! Slap on the face. Need to hang on) That’s ok. Well, I’m in S8 Electronics. Do you need any text books for the 1st semester??
M-girl: No, I have got them all. (I know what your intentions are, Mr. Senior)
Botsu: You might need S3 books. (Don’t give up, go on)
M-girl: I got that too. (I’m not falling for this you loafer)
Botsu: What about S4 books?? (Stay on, stay on; shouldn’t waste this golden opportunity)
M-girl: I have it. (Man, this guy is really persistent)
Botsu: S5 books?? (I can do this forever)
M-girl: Let me see, I’ll tell you. (He’s a psycho; Must get out of here as soon as possible)
Botsu: Okay, that’s perfect. (Finally!! Eureka!! Success!!)
M-girl: Ok, bye. (Phew!!)
Botsu: Bye, will see ya! (Tata, bye bye, sweet dreams, take care)

And the girl walks away. The signal turns green and Botsu is still in his dream world. The vehicles keep honking and drivers start shouting at Botsu while he hypnotically walks to the other side of the road.

P.S. Next day, Botsu was seen begging for S5 text books from his class mates. Let’s see what happens next.

Chottu's Checkup Ordeal

Chottu is a health conscious guy. He does regular exercises in his terrace (topless of course; to seksually attract the girls walking by the road), acrobatics (while climbing the wall of his neighbor’s compound who apparently has a beautiful daughter) and marathon races (when the neighbor dad catches him by the collar when he sneaks up into his compound). Now Chottu had the perfect opportunity to prove to all the girls in our college that he was really a healthy guy with a perfect body who should be the object of any girl’s wildest fantasies. Those who were recruited by XYZ Corp had to undergo a medical checkup at DDRC last week. The checkup included blood test (to test for HIV I guess, XYZ Corp doesn’t want the employees spreading AIDS in their offices), ECG (to know whether our hearts will be able to brave the long insane unearthly working hours), ultra sound scan (to check whether our internal organs can function properly without any intake of food while working continuously), urine test (to test whether our kidneys function properly so that they can later sell it in case of debts), dental checkup (for checking whether there’ll be any difficulty giving French kisses), eye examination (to check if we can see chicks at a distance while working; anyone who passes this test will be rejected). Now Chottu was all pumped up and geared for the medical checkup. The reporting time at DDRC was 7.AM. Chottu after his stint with dumb bells and push ups started drinking gallons of water for the urinalysis (which was the first test). We reached there on time and waited for the test. Meanwhile pressure has been building up on Chottu’s bladder. 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes and still his name hasn’t been called. Realizing that he couldn’t control anymore, Chottu ran to the nurse asking her to give the bottle for taking urine but the nurse unsympathetically refuses and tells him to wait in the queue. That made Chottu get on his nerves and he started an altercation with the nurse; but the obdurate nurse doesn’t accede to it. A frustrated Chottu finally ran to the toilet and got relieved. Problem is that now his bladder is empty and it might take another gallon of water and 30 minutes for his test. So Chottu is back to the queue. Frustrated, Chottu starts drinking water like he haven’t seen it before and gets all pumped up again. Again his bladder starts troubling him, but he just got on time with the test. This time Chottu is all excited and runs to the toilet. He returns back relieved but the bottle seems to be missing.

Chottu: Athe sisteree, njaan sambavam pettennu cheythoondirunnappam bottle toilet inte akathu pooyi. Veere bottle tharaamo.

An irate nurse refuses to Chottu’s pleas and tells him to go back to the queue. After another unsuccessful altercation with the nurse, Chottu exasperatedly goes back to the queue which was quite long by now. At last he got the perfect timing with the bladder pressure coinciding with his turn for the test. A gleeful Chottu returned back and then we went for the remaining checkups. After finishing all of that by noon, we came back to collect our results and also to undergo a physical checkup. Guess what? Chottu’s urine sample missing!! Chottu is literally pissed off by now and starts pulling his hair and banging his head on the wall. Well, then he appeared for the physical test which showed a very high BP (unsurprisingly, due to all the tribulations he had been in just before). Chottu’s hopes and dreams about being the very-healthy-with-perfect-body-and-high-libido-guy is all now crumbled into shambles. Girls, please don’t lose your interest in Chottu just because of a high BP.

KP’s Lexicon: Port = Word!!

         This is yet another post about quirky KP. KP has been, of lately, hiding his files and folders in his computer using folder locks and passwords and stuff. All he did throughout the last week was try different softwares for locking folders and generate new incomprehensible passwords for protecting them. Now, those who had job placements in college were required to fill up certain forms and submit it without delay, and KP temporarily got distracted from his new venture. Now filling up forms is a boring thing to do. For KP, it’s a grueling thing to do. Boring or grueling, those who were placed in XYZ Corp were required to fill up tons of forms last day. There was this background check certificate where we had to provide details of driving license, passport, ration card etc. Look closely at KP’s form below:


Photo courtesy: My Nokia 7610 mobile cam (hence the poor quality)

P.S. KP was about to submit the form when Rahul saw the blunder and snatched the paper from him and ran away. I believe KP is still clueless as to why Rahul did that. Well, Rahul then came to me and without wasting any time I took the photo. For original copies, readers are advised to contact Rahul as soon as possible (Rahul’s life will stay as long as KP sees this post).